LOL

Yeah I know: lots of computer game entries lately. I promise I'll write about books or something all look all clever sometime soon. But this is all I can think about just now...


This is what it's all about. A vortigaunt in a lab coat! Simultaneously cool and hilarious! It's like my car embodied as a lighting-shooting alien. For the coup de gras, note the section I've enlarged, showing his photo ID (for the uninitiated: all vortigaunts are physically identical).

This hilarity is from Half Life 2: Episode 2, Valve's latest expansion to a franchise which is becoming more classic by the second. I was a Half-Life 1 naysayer (I maintain it wasn't as good as everybody thought), but Half-Life 2 is still the best FPS I've ever played, and its latest episode is almost certainly the best yet (subject to hindsight). There are three reasons for this:

1) You get a Vortigaunt companion for some of the levels. And they are chillers.
2) There's a sandbox level at the end (haven't finished it yet; want to savour it, no-one tell me what happens)
3) It's really funny

It's also changed my mind about episodically released gaming content. I now love episodic gaming. These days I don't have time for games that are much longer than 5 hours anyway! Though in Valve's case they need to make the episodes just a teeeeensy bit more often.

And yes, there are still some IRRITATING gameplay issues that could be fixed OH SO EASILY*, and it has been known to crash on my otherwise-sturdy PC, but you can't really whinge too much when you're watching dog taking down a strider. Halo 3, Gears of War, and even Crysis (for now) can all suck me off. This is where gaming is at, people!

If you are even vaguely into games and haven't played this behemoth yet, buy the Orange Box right now. Not only do you get all the Half Life 2s, but you also get Portal (GotY?) and TF2, which I already mentioned recently. All for the price of like, one game. Seriously.

* Wouldn't it be nice if I could get off a ladder without JUMPING TO MY DEATH?? Maybe it's because I'm carrying twelvety guns. And a rocket launcher.

I don't like mirroring posts from the the excellent PC Gaming blog Rock, Paper, Shotgun, especially since 50% of this blog's readership (hi john!) reads it daily anyway. BUT THIS SIMPLY CANNOT BE MISSED.

WILLIAM SHATNER
ADVERTISING WORLD OF WARCRAFT

CLICK IT

Messianic as I sometimes get about my songs, I very seldom stop to commemorate their anniversaries. This is because most of my songs don't have anniversaries, of course. But whilst 'An Epiphany' was written in "November 2004 - June 2006", I can say with absolute certainty that 'Stuffed Animals' was written on 19th Nov 2006, and I have the blog entry to prove it.

When I'm playing live, I often introduce 'Stuffed Animals' by saying "This is my darkest song, this is well depressing". People laugh - they're supposed to, it's the way I tell em - but the sentiment, though tongue in cheek (like the song) is also very true. I'm not going to spell out for you what the song's "about" - I think it speaks for itself better than most of my output, and if it doesn't then people seem to have been enjoying it even in their ignorance.

The song replaces 'Californian Styled' (discussed in the pretentious entry linked to at the start) as the most creepily effortless FaceOmeter writing session. I estimate that the music and lyrics both turned up in well under an hour. The lyrics from that hour have never needed to be changed, not one word. The title eluded me for a few days, but during that time I recorded, produced and uploaded a version of the song (it's still on myspace) and taught it to FaceOmeter and Friends, who filled it out perfectly - Tony with an incredible drum pattern and Clare with a brilliant flute line. Though the band is no more, alas, the song is still an important part of live sets; the last time Dapper Swindler and I hit up the North Bridge Inn was an evening ram-packed with wonderfulness, but one of the highlights for me was when people stopped their conversations to listen to this song - that's pretty much the most gratifying thing that can happen to you, doing what we do. The video is on youtube.

Writing songs is weird. I don't know if 'An Epiphany' is "better" or "worse" than 'Stuffed Animals', or even if you can "hear a difference" stemming from the radically different ways in which they were written. My latest theory is that the quick ones come more from the heart, the slow ones more from the head. This is far from being wateritght, but it's the closest I've come to a general rule so far.

Whilst far from being divorced from the brain, 'Stuffed Animals' has more heart in it than anything else I've written.

You mean they can't already?

Ever since my excited preview I've been far too busy doing things like playing Team Fortress 2 to tell you what I think of Team Fortress 2, but the short answer is: it's good.


One of the best things about TF2 is that it tracks a dizzying number of your personal stats, and shockingly enough they reveal that I spend most of my time playing as a soldier - the last thing you'd expect, since the soldier is the "human paladin" of the class-based FPS. But unlike a human paladin, the soldier has a rocket launcher, and playing as a spy for any length of time, whilst ridiculously good fun, is far too intense for my little ginger heart.

Blbbling on about all the different features of this excellent game is somewhat superfluous at this point, so I'll be blunt. This game requires tremendous amounts of skill and a pretty large slice of luck. The design and balance are flawless - almost unbelievably so. Whilst it's not without technical issues, there hasn't been a game that will make you swear at your computer screen or laugh out loud more in the last five-ish years. If you haven't played it already, I commend it to you.

Greetings everybody,

I've not much to put up today so I thought I'd share with you this brilliant headline which I "did" see over on BBC News a few days ago. Let me stress that I have "not" edited it in any way...


I knew it!

First up, thanks to Ginny for this link. I think we can all agree that that is the best thing ever? Good, let's move to the MEAT OF THE MATTER:

"Rude, unconsiderate and lacking in a due respect"

Who am I describing here? No, it's not the youth of today, it's the people who talk about "the youth of today".

It has long been a contention of mine that old people are majoratively a lot nastier than the young people they spend so much of the time complaining about, but the issue crystallised today during a half-hour visit to tesco when I experienced not one but THREE encounters which I will outline below before thrusting an argument in your face:

1) The Parking Lot - Going In
I'm waiting for a space. An old man gets into his car. He has two car lengths behind him, and ample space either side. It takes him 7 minutes to get out of the space. I know this because a 7 minute long song was on Brian Davidson at the time. I'm not suggesting this would have been any less annoying if he hadn't been old (and I'm hardly Mr. Swift Car Action myself) but in the light of what followed I found this interesting.
Comment that you'd think an old person would say which this elicited from me: "He oughtn't to be allowed on the road"

2) Within the Store
An old woman who for the purposes of anonymity we'll be calling "Mrs. Halitosis" comes up to me and, breathing all over me (holy God, no really), asks if she can have my trolley. Well, my trolley had my bags in it, and though I may be young and ungrateful I still havent developed the ability to carry six shopping bags and 4 baguettes to the car by myself yet. Also, the trolley had a pound of mine in it, and there were loads at the front of the shop, so I didn't feel too bad about saying no. OFF SHE SKULKED WITHOUT A WORD. How incredibly rude.
Comment that you'd think an old person would say which this elicited from me: "They just have no respect"

3) The Parking Lot - Going Out
As I get into the glorious Peug, past me shuffles an old woman we'll be calling "Satan Incarnate And She'd Better Damn Well Hope She Never Crosses My Path A Second Time". Here comes our exchange in full, verbatim (I remember it very well):
SIASBDWHSNCMPAST: Oh, very disabled!
Me: I beg your pardon?
SIASBDWHSNCMPAST: I said, "very disabled!"
Me: Oh, well actually this isn't a disabled space - it's near the front of the store but it's the first space which isn't a disabled one. Sorry. Take a look!
SIASBDWHSNCMPAST: [cryptically] Yeah, well...
Exit, Stage Right
Comment that you'd think an old person would say which this elicited from me: "If I ever see that woman again I'm going to give her some of George's Fucking Marvellous Fucking Medicine because that's what she Fucking Deserves*"

Called to the stand in defence of young people accross the world who have endured this shit for too long, my Exhibit A would be the last example above. I'd have immediately forgotten encounters one and two if the third hadn't distilled this argument into my speech-brain; the third is objectionable. It's disgusting.

But let's be clear about this: it's not disgusting because she felt it her duty to chastise me for stealing a disabled space. It's disgusting because she didn't apologise when she discovered her mistake, even superficially; because she is, I would wager a significant amount, right at this moment telling her loved ones (if she has any**) about the disrespectful young man who had full use of his legs but was parking in a disabled space at the shops HAS NO-ONE GOT ANY RESPECT ANY MORE?

Let's look at language, because I'm an english student and that gets me going. Check out how she opens the conversation: no greeting, no polite lead-in... ah, sarcasm! Excellent.*** How does she close it? By walking off, mid-sentence. Check out everything I say. I'm civilised, polite, and apologetic. Oh my god, I'm apologetic. I apologised to her because she was wrong? Perfect

This is particularly interesting when you consider that instead of apologising, I'd have been well within my rights to punch her in the face, put her in a spaceship, and fire her directly into the sun****. Of course there are young people who are not as deferential as I am, and many people my age are downright scallions who deserve the spaceship treatment just as much as my evil friend from today, but what I can't stand any longer is to hear "young people" spoken of in this diminutive fashion, and though I know several elderly folk who are sterling examples of wonderfulness (such as my own grandparents), I have determined IN PROTEST to speak diminutively of the old in general terms until such a time as the hatred on the other side goes the way of the albatross.

If all you've learned from an extended lifetime is that there is no joy in anything, please don't take it out on us. We are horrified by your conclusions for your sake, but we reject them out of hand. We are young and joyful and our day is coming. Thank you.

* Okay, I admit you're unlikely to see an actual old person saying this one.
** Yeah that was harsh, I take it back
*** Irony
**** Not true, of course. Waste of spaceship.

Ladies and gentlemen, myspace now holds an unmastered draft mp3 of Californian Styled #2, a recently completed album track featuring two entire seconds of the Hectic Eclectic Folk Choir! Once again, this is a very rough mix, so be sympathetic listeners, and enjoy! It's in some respects a ROCKIER track than is general chez FaceOmeter these days, so you might enjoy it. Go have thee a listen?!

So here's the thing, right:


Remember this? When I were a young lad, the professor here was like a member of your family. And if it wasn't him and his genius cube, or whatever he had that week, it'd be Tony the Tiger, or the Shreddie [sic?] monster, or any of that bunch. But the professor has now been retired from Weetos. He was initially replaced by a photo of a kid on a swing made of a giant Weeto [sic?] but even this was clearly deemed too potentially interesting for the bright young minds of tomorrow, and has now been excised from the packaging in favour of pure, unadulterated boring.

This is how people start becoming conservatives, I swear. Give me my fucking cereal back! They may taste as good as ever without the prof, but not only was my latest box of Weetos devoid of him, there was no free stupid decoder robot toy either and (deep intake of breath) there were no puzzles on the back! There was just lots of information about how healthy Weetos are. Oh my god! I can't wait to meet the child who grew up just reading THAT every morning!

Imagine, if you can, that you're 10. I know, I know. But try. Now tell me which of the following sentences, read daily, is going to engage your mind most effectively:
a) "47 weetos contain a gross average of 52.81% of your RDA allowance of blandium. Do not eat more than 53 weetos or you will become obese and Gordon Brown will put you in a special squishing machine which-" WAIT too interesting, let's try again. "Weetos are made from the grains of crops, which are harvested by men, and then put in a box. Eating just five weetos a day will help you to stay healthy, fit and active"
Typing those last four words was so intense that my right bollock fell off, but I'm commited to bringing the message to you people so let's have a look at sentence B:
b) "A Tyrannosaurus Rex weighed considerably more than your mum's car, and its teeth were longer than your head. Look inside this pack for a free plastic one you can build forts with"
Answer the same question, this time pretending you're your actual age. OMG, did you get the same answer?

It was my intention to segue neatly into a general argument about the pernicious way we treat the education of our young (thanks Philip Pullman), but you're all people of intelligence. You all see where I'm going with this. This isn't a fight one man can win. Join together, people. Hold your hands aloft. Let's reclaim breakfast. Let's have catapults, and cut-out puppets, and holograms, and aliens. Let's have puzzles, and interesting facts, and new words to annoy our parents with. Let's have one area, just ONE AREA of our society where we eschew our self-concious magazine-imposed regime of physical fitness in favour of being interested, and excited, and entertained.

I'm not saying cereal shouldn't be healthy, just that if you're spending more than one A4 side of the box telling someone that it is, you have a problem. And I don't speak from the point of view of someone who is terribly nostalgic for the 80s, I'm just out here to suggest that these modern beliefs are destroying our kids perhaps even more than violence on TV is.