Went to the Academy on Cowley Road last night, and am pleased to see that Carling have stayed with their dependable "Big Black Box" venue ethic. Cos that's what music needs. The character of a big black box. Anyway, that's by the by - my visit last night reminded me of a rant i've been meaning to do for a while now.

I know the theory. Support acts ramp up crowd anticipation. The pause between support and main bands is a lot like the "putting on condom" section of foreplay. And when the band finally explodes onto the stage, their love is heightened by the wait. I know the theory.

But if putting on a condom took an hour, sex would be really really... um... flacid? OKAY let's try and talk about this in non-sexual terms.

Reasons not to piss about with a "sound test" for more than 15 minutes between bands:
1) You had all day for a "sound test". How good a sound guy are you? Plus, sound in these large venues is always shit anyway. You gaybians.
2) Standing up for an hour for no reason in a tiny room jostled to the teeth with a full capacity crowd is neither fun nor hygenic.
3) Some big artists might like to play more songs before close, and the audience might like that as well, especially given the way you ripped them off on the tickets, you heartless bastards. "But some artists only want to play a normal length set", I hear you cry. Okay, so start the whole evening later. OHMIGOD CAN IT REALLY BE THAT SIMPLE
4) If it comes to it, do you really think a crowd of Radiohead lovers (say) are going to enjoy the gig MEASURABLY MORE for the wait? It's quite probable that they'll enjoy it QUITE a lot anyway. Most people who are gonna shell out £50 to see a truly big band are going to enjoy them at 1 minute's notice at the bottom of a pit in cheshire just as much as anywhere else. Cos that's what being a fan is all about!
5) This is a serious one: being a support band is a dangerous business at the best of times, but the point of it always used to be that you got yourself out there to a similar group's established fanbase. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to deliberately turn up to gigs late so that I don't have to do this waiting around thing. So I'm missing the support bands, with their nerfed sound and imploite audiences, and my musical palate is suffering. I'm not the only person who does this. Where are tomorrow's bands going to come from? Oh wait, I forgot, the fucking X factor. I take it all back.

I know it's showmanship, I know live music is more about spectacle than music these days, but it's unpleasant, it's wrong, and it's hurting the vibe. I'd say "substance over style", but there's no style in this anyway so I'll confine myself to "playground tactics, no rabbit-in-a-hat tricks".

Just add classic rap shit from Jurassic.